- “Be aware of what you are saying: ‘retard’ is not ‘stupid'”
Weak Lead: “The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines mental retardation as a “sub average intellectual ability…by learning difficulties, and by problems in social adjustment.”
Weaknesses: too long, not very eye-catching
New Lead: The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines mental retardation as a “sub average intellectual ability that is accompanied by significant deficits in abilities necessary for independent daily functioning.
Strengths: concise and to the point
2. “Chutney spices it up”
Weak Lead: “Chutney, a delicious new Pakistani and Indian restaurant, is located on 3352 Mowry Avenue.”
Weaknesses: Address is not the most important detail.
New Lead: “Chutney, a new Pakistani and Indian restaurant, is a great cultural experience with fast service and delicious food.
Strengths: Highlights overall impression of restaurant.
3. “Girls soccer loses NCS”
Weak Lead: “The girls’ soccer team lost in their first round of NCS losing 2-0 to California High, Feb. 17 after claiming the MVAL league title.”
Weaknesses: Depressing, redundant.
New Lead: After claiming the MVAL league title, the injury-stricken girls’ soccer team went on to NCS where they played California High, and lost 2-0.
Strengths: Gives detail to why they may have lost.
4. “Academy Award nominees reach for gold”
Weak Lead: “The Academy Awards ceremony is March 7.”
Weaknesses: very boring, not eye-catching or most important part of article
New Lead: Athletes are not the only ones fighting for gold, Academy Award nominees this year will have to “fight” harder for their gold, especially Best Picture, as the total number of nominees have increased.
Strengths: More interesting, ties the article together.
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